My sheets look like a crime scene.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
