My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
