please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
