I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
