ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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