he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
