i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
