well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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