That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
my being single is dangerous.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
