either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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