You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Life is so much better after having sex.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
