If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Randomize
