Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
