We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
