last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
