Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
