I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
