were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Pants are for mortals
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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