and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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