She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Randomize
