I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
