I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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