I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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