i need an iv and a liver transplant
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
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