He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
