Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
