Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize