I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Your cock deserves a montage
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Randomize
