Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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