My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
