walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
