my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Dear god my vagina.
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