I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
