I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
