Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize