i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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