yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
