Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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