You just made me feel so damn special
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
