I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
There's always time for handjobs
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
