Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
That accounts for only three of the penises
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
