Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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