I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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