Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Is Oprah even human
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
