And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
