I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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