Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
