cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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