Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
