Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
