God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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