So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
