true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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