just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
