my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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