Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
