If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
