It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You ate ashes out of my bong
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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