he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
