Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Randomize
