Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
