when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
