i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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