Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
did i just pee glitter
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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