The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
