I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
