i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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