My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
