oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
