I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize