dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
