My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
