You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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